Reflections

By Teegs

His Brother…I can’t believe it! Won’t believe it! I am an only child…heir to the throne, Crown Prince of Aveh…my family is dead…there is only me and Margie left…I have no brother…I have never had a brother… So why do I believe him now?…BROTHER!…

Bart slammed an angry fist against the wall.

…and he had known all along! Even when we were young…before he had left. But he had never said a word…and now…NOW! He tells me NOW? After all this time? Why now? Why tell me at all?

He paced angrily through the room, muttering to himself and cursing fate.

Why hadn’t he said something before? Before everything that had happened? When he came for Margie and me? When I thought she was all I had left in this world, her and Maison. All that I had left of my life, my family? I’d watched them die…my parents…and I was helpless. I so desperately wanted them back…I felt so alone, helpless.

His feet made rhythmic slapping noises against the cold floor…thwap, thwap, thwap, thwap, turn…

Why hadn’t he told me then? When he held me, bleeding, tattered, torn, aching with misery, trying not to sob, trying not to quake with fear, trying to be strong for Margie…

He dashed a hand across his eyes, his face burning with rage…thwap, thwap, thwap, thwap, turn…

He punched the wall again, welcoming the physical pain that coursed up his arm and distracted him from his thoughts…

Someone who knew them as I did… Maison knew the rulers; he did not know my parents, just me… and Margie…and then him…

He could hear concerned voices outside…Maison, a few others, but he didn’t care….

He hurled a boot at the door and resumed his pacing as soon as he heard the startled footsteps retreating down the hall

…safe …she was safe. As long as she was safe, everything would be fine …I told myself everything would be fine… But I was a kid, I couldn’t keep protecting her, it had almost killed me the one time I had done it. But that bastard wouldn’t stop there…she had to die… I had to die.

His hands shook with rage and remembered fear…and he leaned back against the wall and stared at the ceiling hoping for answers…

We didn’t know why at first…we thought it was simply because of our parents…who they were. Then we heard the nuns talking and we understood. WE were the last of the ruling line…WE were the last Fatima’s…The people loved us, always had, we could gather the people to us…we could overthrow the murdering bastard…I won’t say his name…he doesn’t deserve the respect of a name.

He hid his face in his hands and slid to the floor as images he tried to keep buried assaulted his brain… his mother dead… his father dying beside her… being rushed away… hiding… being found… Margie taken… the whip… always the snap of the whip… crack, crack, crack, crack, searing, blinding, pain…

I didn’t know how he knew, I still don’t…but he did…and he saved us… He and Maison… They smuggled us out… a terrified girl and me…playing the protector, the edicts of childhood still echoing in my ears… be strong for Margie, protect Margie, she’s younger…But I was still a child…I was young too! Who was there to protect me? Maison? An old man? Servants? How was I supposed to keep her and myself both safe?! She was scared…thin maybe, but fine other than that… I was barely living (the whip)… I had been flogged (that whip)… in her place (Father’s whip)… to protect her (the King’s whip), it was my choice (should’ve been MY whip)… save Margie…protect Margie…and left to rot in a cell.

Tears rolled down his cheeks unbidden…grief he had denied mixed with a whole new betrayal…the fresh pain tearing at old wounds… crack, crack, crack, crack, sudden, burning, pain…

I was weak and hungry, feverish and scared, still trying to follow my father’s words. He saved me…and I looked into his face and I saw who he was…Sigrd…from when I was younger…through the changes, his hair, his skin, his scent, all different… But it was still Sigrd…my friend, and I clung to him. My hero…my savior…my protector… my brother? No!

His fists clenched as wave after wave of anger, and hurt washed over him…

Why hadn’t he told me then? At that moment? Why hadn’t he just said it… ‘Brother I’ve come for you’?… Why hadn’t I known? I saw his eyes… those gentle, concerned blue eyes, so like father’s…more so than mine…I had even thought…just for a moment…through my fever and exhaustion…that father had come to take me away from the pain…I remember smiling…saying thank-you and then I slept.

He stood again and began his circuit around the room once more…thwap, thwap, thwap, thwap, turn…

Or later? He had years to tell me here on the ship… years of piracy in the sands… years of working against the murdering bastard… waiting, learning, growing. I didn’t stay that lost child he rescued for long… Margie was safe… I was safe… I healed… I trained with the whip… I grew… I turned my grief to thoughts of vengeance… of justice... I took command of the ship… I was a Captain… I didn’t weep into the arms of Sigrd anymore… I didn’t need a hero anymore…I didn’t need a savior anymore… I didn’t need a protector anymore… I knew that… he knew that…everyone knew that…

As he paced, unconsciously he reached for one of the whips he always wore. He took comfort in its presence, the familiarity of it... thwap, thwap, thwap, thwap, turn…

He was always there for me then though… I could tell he blamed himself for what had happened to me…to Margie… I could hear him with Maison… when he thought I was sleeping, or out of earshot…didn’t he realize how good your hearing gets when you have to hide all the time? When you are hunted like prey? He would tell him that if he hadn’t been taken himself… if he had gotten home sooner, he could have gotten us out, he could have saved my parents as well… their deaths rested on his head… My savior… blaming himself for the things that bastard had done…

He couldn’t focus his thoughts. The two betrayals tore at him, merging and growing. His long strides beating out a slow rhythm on the floor…thwap, thwap, thwap, thwap, turn…

I needed to tell him…to show him, it wasn’t his fault… he didn’t know…couldn’t know… He had saved us… I lived because of him… Margie lived because of him… there was hope for Aveh because of him… Didn’t he understand? Didn’t he know? Couldn’t he see how I felt? He was my friend… my mentor… my guardian… my savior… my hero… my love… my brother? NEVER!

Voices outside the door again…Maison, pleading to be allowed in, to try to explain…they were worried about him. He called out, his voice raw with pent-up emotions, he was fine (a lie), he needed to be alone (partially true), he needed time (true). His feet moved of their own accord now, he no longer needed to think to take a step…thwap, thwap, thwap, thwap, turn…

When had it changed? I can’t really be sure… but somewhere along the way… somehow, he stopped being just my mentor, just my friend, just my savior… Somewhere in that sea of years I fell in love with him… He was all things to me… Father, mentor, hero, friend, lover… yes lover… although I’m not quite sure how that happened… it was so gradual, so natural… as I got older, as I grew up… I stopped turning to him for protection and started to turn to him for other things… companionship… affection… comfort… contact… and he turned to me… I’m sure he did. I didn’t imagine the loneliness in his eyes… how haunted they were… I didn’t imagine the way they lit up when I smiled at him, or caught his eye from across the deck. I didn’t imagine him seeking me out, turning into my arms as he slept, clinging to me as his dreams tormented him... So he can’t be my brother… he can’t!

A sob built up at the back of his throat, choking his breath away from him. He roared his pain at the world and slammed his fist into the wall again and again… thud, thud, thud, thud, sigh….

How could he have done that if he was my brother?… If he had known all along he was my brother?… Why hadn’t he told me then… when I told him I loved him? Why couldn’t he have said ‘of course you do we’re brothers…bonded by blood and generations of ancestors…’? … Why lie to me? Why lead me on, let me think something completely different?… He knew how I felt… he’s always known… He knew what I had planned for us… for all of us… did he really think that it would work if we were brothers? Did he even plan to tell me at all?

He slid to the floor again and let the tears fall once more. Silent bitter tears, tears that only come from the deepest hurts, the purest hearts shattered. His breath came in ragged gasps as he tried to deal with the truth, the betrayal of the one most dear…secrets that should have been kept to the grave and beyond aired to the world, for all to see….

Oh, Father… Mother… if you can hear me now, guide me through this… It was so simple… No one cares who the King takes as a lover as long as he provides an heir…a legitimate heir… I was going to marry Margie, just as the nuns suggested, we’re friends…close enough to get along, to rule together… she’s of the bloodline but not so close as to cause problems for any children… She and I would have a family, and I could be with Sigrd forever… In the palace he’d have been treated well as my lover… But now! I can’t proclaim to my people that I’ve taken to my bastard brother’s bed… I can wed my cousin but not bed my brother… it makes no sense but that’s the way it works… No one would trust his motives… they’d think it was a play for the throne… at least I know that isn’t true… Sigrd doesn’t want the throne…he doesn’t want the responsibility... Oh! Why did he have to tell me at all?… I would never have figured it out… I was too blinded by love to see it!

A knock sounded on the door and the deep voice of Sigrd asked if he could come in…to talk, to explain… he hated that he had hurt Bart, he said… Had never wanted to hurt Bart… Had only wanted to spare him pain always… He knew how hard this news was… Knew that Bart must hate him now… He just wanted to explain better than he had before… Bart glared at the door as if the hurt in his eyes could somehow drive away the pain in that too familiar, too beloved voice… Sighing he rose to his feet and let his lover… no brother into the room…

He looked so sad…standing in the doorway… so sad and so relieved… he raised his arms to embrace me and thought better of it when he saw my face… I knew I looked awful… my eye patch askew and my hair half dragged out of it’s braid… but this was Sigrd… who had seen me look much worse… who had seen me look every possible way imaginable… What I didn’t expect was to see him look so devastated… so forlorn… his face puffy and splotched from crying… his own patch… the mirror of mine damp with tears… his face haunted with pain… I allowed him into my room… our room… he had slept here more nights than in his own quarters… at least in the past few years… I slowly closed the door behind him and faced him…waiting…

Waiting…that’s what he was doing… waiting for me to make everything alright… like always… waiting for his hero to save the day again… He looked so hurt… so much like the battered boy I had rescued so many years ago that I almost said ‘forget it…we were wrong… I’m not your brother… I never was… it was all a mistake’… I almost said that…but I didn’t… I had lied to him for so long, I wasn’t going to do it anymore… ever… I could feel his pain as sharply as I felt my own guilt… my own self-loathing… I could feel it tearing him apart… Not sense it as I usually do… This was Bart, I knew him like I knew myself…maybe better… He felt betrayed… and wasn’t he? I was his lover, and I had kept this secret for so long… never letting it slip, even as we slept in each other’s arms. He felt guilty…and why shouldn’t he? What we had is forbidden almost everywhere, even to the Crown Prince… How could I tell him why? I didn’t even know why… So many times I had tried to steer his attention elsewhere when I saw what was happening… So many times I had been on the verge of telling him and stopped myself… and then eventually I had decided to take my knowledge to the grave with me rather than burden him with the truth…Curse fate for denying me that sacrifice! Curse the world for denying me the ability to protect him yet again! Why am I always doomed to fail where he is concerned? He looks so lost…I just want to hold him till the world rights itself again….

"Well…you said you wanted to explain… I’m waiting…" Oh I hated how cold that sounded…how cruel and uncaring… surely he knew I still cared… surely he knew that I was angry and hurt but that I still loved him…would always love him… He gazed at me helplessly for a long time and then sighed and went to sit on the bed… our bed… so many memories… so many years…

The pain was changing him already… I could see him retreating behind a wall… feel him protect himself from me… I was a threat now… I had hurt him… the trust between us was shattered… and I had no one to blame but myself… I was solely responsible for this torture…

"I want you to know… if there was anyway to avoid this… to prevent doing this to you… I would never hurt you like this unless I had to Bart… you know that… don’t you?" My eyes pleaded with him for forgiveness I didn’t deserve… could never ask for… his face became a mask…

"I don’t know that…" he said, "I never knew you at all… I thought I did… I thought I’d know my lover after all this time… and maybe I did… but this… my brother? Him, I don’t know… Him, I only met today…"

I could almost watch his heart break as I said that… I hadn’t meant to say that… hadn’t meant to be so callous… but there was no point in lying to Sigrd… there never had been… unlike me, he saw through deceptions easily… he tried to reach out to me… tears rolling down his face. Part of me screamed to take him into my arms and weep with him over the turn our lives had taken, but part of me… (the stronger part judging by my actions)… was afraid to get close again… I had obligations… my country… Margie… myself… and friends who were depending on me now… friends who were probably wondering why I hadn’t reacted differently to the news that I had a long-lost brother… Friends who were probably quite confused by the way I did react… I wondered how much could be explained by shock?

The minute the words left his lips I knew he regretted them… but he steeled himself against any doubts he might have had… I also knew immediately that they were true… Bart had never been adept at lying… I tried again to reach out to him…to make a connection with the boy I had loved… the young man I still adored… "You have done nothing wrong…" I said, "all of the blame lies with me. I made sure of that… you bear no taint from this… no mark will be left on your reputation… I have always insisted on discretion between us in dread of this day… No one else knows about our relationship… No one else knows we’re lovers…" If I could just make him see that all was not lost… that he could escape this unscathed… maybe we could repair a friendship… maybe we would finally know what it was like to be brothers. I had never felt like Bart was my brother… It had always been too important that he not know… I could never treat him as a sibling… he was first the Crown Prince, second a child in need of help, third a student… a ward… and last a grown man… young but grown… whom I loved dearly… child, friend and lover in one… I prayed to gods I had long since forgotten, gods of my childhood, to help me repair the damage I had caused in his heart.

I’m sure my mouth fell open when he said that… did he really think that’s what I was worried about? My reputation? I had been exiled… I had been a pirate… I didn’t care about my reputation! I cared about him… about us… about years of lies piled into our bed… about losing him now because I never should have had him to begin with… about not caring that he was my brother even though I knew I should… about the fact that he was blaming himself for things beyond his control again.

"You think I’m upset because I think people will know I’m your lover?!?! I don’t care who knows! I’ll go tell everyone I see for the next week if it’ll prove it to you! I’ve never cared who knew… my reputation is tarnished beyond repair anyway… I’m upset because you’ve LIED to me for my whole life!!" I grabbed him by the shoulders and stared up into his eyes… "Do you know how that feels? I’ve had three people who meant anything to me at all since my parents were killed… Margie, you, and Maison… and now I find out that you…you Sigrd… the man I love… the person I’d give up my throne and country for if you asked but you wouldn’t ask… and that is part of the reason I love you…you have been lying to me all of my life! I’m questioning everything right now…" I could see the shock in his eyes as I poured my heart out to him. Despite the fact that he’d heard it all before, he seemed surprised as I said it this time… didn’t he understand that my feelings were too strong to change this quickly?

"That is the only lie I’ve ever told you Bart… I swear… I thought you hated me now… I was sure you did… after what I allowed to happen to you I couldn’t see any way around it…" my head swam with joy… I had been wrong… I had felt his pain, his hurt, his anger and decided what they meant and I had been wrong! He didn’t hate me… he still loved me… he had called me his lover in the present tense… things hadn’t changed too much to repair… He was so earnest as his gaze locked onto mine… I was always amazed at how resilient he was… even if I had been legitimate… he would have been better suited for the throne… I would never have been able to wage a war everyday… watching my citizens go off to their deaths… Bart wasn’t a cold person… in fact he was very tender-hearted but he was strong enough to do what has to be done and survive it. His strong hands gripped my shoulders even after he stopped speaking… I wrapped my arms around him and held him close to me…

"I love you Sigrd," he whispered, "Brother, lover, friend and everything in between… I love you."

…and I did love him, that wouldn’t change…not now, not ever… we had been through too much together now for that to ever change… I knew it and I think he knew it… We still had things to straighten out… we had to decide where we were going from here… how things would change between us… but I knew we wouldn’t ever risk losing each other… we both had so few people who were close to us… As I leaned in to kiss him…knowing that he wouldn’t take that step first I heard him whisper "I love you too."